Ode to Los Angeles

My father's family reunion is in Alaska this year.
My father has been my rock since I've been here.
I have to go to Alaska.
I need headshots.
I want to go out on auditons.
I'm scared to do the work.
I'm losing my passion because life is getting in the way.
I want to do this, I just wish there was an easier way.
God wants me to want this.
We are in a ridiculous recession.
I have 64 dollars in my checking account.
I am thankful to have a job.
I feel horrible because the time is coming soon to move on.
I feel really bad about that because they've been so great to me.
LA itself is not what I thought it would be.
I thought I would fall in love with the Hollywood lifestyle, but its not me.
I also thought I would have met my husband by now.
I hate not being rich.
I really hate being poor.
When will this end.
I have to fight for it.
I need encouragement.
I'm working my ass off now just to keep my head above water.
This will get better.
I have to constantly fight my slacker past.
I am constantly struggling with my low self-esteem.
Where I was last year and where am I now is like night and day.
This time last year, I fucked up my car three times and not including a horrible accident where I almost had no car.
I wiped out my savings because I had no control over my finances as result of my depression.
My hair was falling out from the stress.
My neightbors were calling the police on my roomate.
There was screaming every night.
Mike would have sex with me one day, then have sex would someone else the next day.
Then he would make them his girlfriend.
I would tell my problems to anyone who would listen.
I alienated all my friends.
I had a drinking problem.
I was in the darkest place I had ever been.
I cried myself to sleep every night.
I don't know how I would ever get out of it.
I never thought that I would be here typing on the computer about it.
I know what its like now not to have security.
Its scary.
Very scary.
But I have to do this.
I want to pay my father back every cent he's ever lent me.
I have to do this.

New beginning.

Guess what. This is from my brand new beautiful home computer! So excited. You know how you get something new, you wait so long to get it and when you finally do; you kind of stare at it in disbelief for a really long time. This is what I'm doing now.

I wanted the computer because I need to start writing again; and I can start doing more research on my career. So now, here's the start of a new beginning; and I'm blogging; LOL.

I've been pretty out of it for the last month or so, being lazy and such. When my class is going on, I had so much energy, but its very "I don't want to do anything but go home and watch TV kind " of life. Its going to take me a while to bust out of that mindset. But its coming. I will keep everyone posted.

Happy New Year!

Jesus, Okay, just check in about every what 3 months, because that is about the frequency i'm going these days.
I (finally) got a computer at home, but since I have no electricity in my living room it has not been hooked up. When it is, the frequency of the blogging will increase.
So my resolutions for the new year will be to

(1)stop letting people stress me out
(2)Stop being a lazy bum.

I swear, ever since I finished the groundlings class about a month ago, I have seen nothing but my cousin's couch and TV and my couch and TV. One thing about LA that I don't like is that it takes so much effort time and planning to do anything, that once you finally do it, its really not worth it.
For example, I want to attend an actors's workshop in Burbank. Its at 7 on a Tuesday. Burbank is 45 minutes away, rush hour 1.5 hours easy, parking at least 30 minutes. Unless I take off work early (which I can't do too often, because I don't have it like that yet, plus lack of paid time off), i can't make it. And the workshop is only an hour! Don't worry, I'll go. I just need to get up off my lazy behind.

Yeah, and that people thing. I let way to many people influence my judgement. That's an after effect from not having any self esteem whatsoever for most of my life. So as a result, my gumption comes in waves. Since I've been in LA and that whole Mike crap, my nerves are just shot. So whem something happens to sort of take me down, then something minor happens, its like a domino effect; thus causing crazy mood swings and depression. This will stop. I understand depression happens, but my God, when it hits it hits hard. I had the most awful relapse about 2 weeks ago and it did me in. All because I let someone else take my mood down.

And I turn 30 next month, I don't give a shit. I hated my 20's. I kind of hated my teens, too. I've been a neurotic mess in my teens and my 20's. I would like to have a decade where I actually have it together for once. Its coming. I definately dress better. And at 29, I have finally figured out how to do my hair, who knows whats next? Maybe I'll get a work ethic.

New random Tidbits.

God I need to update this thing more often, its not even funny. I'm trying.

Good news, though. I am in a better mental place now than I have been in years. And by myself, without a man, without Mike. Begrudging I admit that this is the first time this is happened.

I finally have somewhat of a handle on my finances for the first time this year, thank God. The weight hasn't been completely lifted off of my shoulders, but one weight has been removed.

Mike and I are fine. We're still friends. Just friends. Thank God.

I'm not dating anyone for about a year. I haven't really lived in California or really explored it without Mike. So this is a good time to start.

I haven't full out quit Jcrew yet, just once a month for a little while. I'm okay with thi decision.

I am "fucking" registering for the Groundlings acting class, Nov. 10. Finances be damned.

Bear with me

First and foremost, I have to apologize for my lack of posts this year, for those out there who still read them, thank you. This blog has been a serious part of me for the last 3 years, and because of all of the tumultuous events that happened for the past year and a half, I have neglected it. I got a fancy, dandy new phone, so I am now toying around with the idea of doing video posts, but we’ll see….My security level is not that high yet.
I want to be an actress, more than anything in the whole world…still. More than anything though, I want to be a successful actress. Successful, in the business, something! I’m just not satisfied, and I hate it.
So far through my trials and tribulations here, I feel that I have become a completely different person. Right now, I’m more relaxed, more responsible, and I feel that mentally I am the strongest I have ever been. But I am also, more pessimistic, more bitter, more neurotic, and even more insecure about my looks than I have ever been. Like I have stated before, when I lived in the south, I honestly did not give a shit about how I looked, and no one else did either. I just wore khaki’s and polo shirts every single day, flip flops, with my hair either in a fake bun or whatever. Nobody commented on if I looked nice or not, or my outfit, or anything. No one gave a shit. I miss that. Since, moving here, I have learned how to walk in heels (actually run in them), I have incorporated at dress that I wore to my sister’s wedding into my work wardrobe, and have not worn tennis shoes in at least the last 3 months. Is it because of peer pressure, perhaps? Is it because I am finally starting to give a shit? Maybe. But right now I’m caught between a rock and a hard place, but I am confused as to what’s really me.
I work for a law firm, my salary is meager, but I still make more money than I thought I would by now, but unfortunately I long for the days when I was temping last year. I got to see a new place ever day,. I’ve been to every part of Beverly Hills, I had freedom as to choose which days I want to work. And I got to do jobs where I didn’t have to think. I can just sit there and plot ways to further my career. But alas, due to health insurance, credit card, debt, and apartment hunting. I had to get a real job. A job that I like, a job I appreciate, but if I want to pursue my dream, which I still very much want to do, it’s a job that I will have to segue way out of.
When I first moved here, I longed for stabilty, steady job, apartment that I can come home to with no drama, being able to afford to get my hair done every two weeks, and now that I have it, I know eventually it will have to end and it sucks. I feel like I’m bitching here, but any and all comments are greatly appreciated.

All suggestions needed....

I am restless. I quit my second job and I am going crazy. I quit so that I can get a life. So now I need to get one and I don't know how to do that. Like for real, I'm sure I'm PMSing right now, but I really need to get out and meet new people because the ones I know suck. Oh, yeah I'm broke. Any advice?

For those who have been wondering..

I know I said that I would be continuing the whole dating rules post, but I'll do that next post, but I figure I'd take the time to address something I have been avoiding talking about the last two months... Mike.

And the status Mike and I...(drum roll)...we're friends (really) and we're fine.

Its kind of amazing how life throws you a bone after all that drama. When I moved out, Mike helped me move my stuff and after that I don't think I talked to him really for about a week or two. When I left, I literally felt like I don't care what happens to us, I'm indiferrent about it all. Fuck it, I talk to you, I don't, whatever. 1-2 weeks later, he's staying with his friend at the moment, he called me because a job that he had gotten resended their offer no reason. He was understandably upset, I came over we had a loong talk, he got on anti-depressants and we've been fine ever since.

Yes, he's still with his girlfriend. And no, I don't care. He can marry her for all I care. Do I love him? Sure, always will, but I know better now. But I guess that was the point for that living experience. To be honest, Mike does a lot stuff for me, he buys groceries, he fixes stuff in my house, he fixed my car. And nothing in our friendship feels forced or unnatural at all.

What sparked this change you ask? It wasn't him, it was me, I made my life completely about him, but I didn't want to deal with what I needed to do. That's why I went apeshit when he got with his girl. She fucked up my plans. I started caring about myself, giving myself peace of mind, and I stopped making my whole life revolve another person. I even stopped with all the dramatic behavior, stopped gossiping, stopped talking to these stupid ass boys, sleeping more, stopped going to orange county as much, and most importantly, I stopped talking on the phone, which was really the source of all my bitchy musings.

All I really want for him at this point is to get his shit together, and be successful, even if its without me. And to be honest, this is the most valiant ever I've seen him make. He's medicated, he's not on the phone as much, and he's not nearly as sporadic. Its almost like we both finally got a clue at the same time.

I really didn't think I could sort of march forward, unless I cut him out of my life. And this point in time, with my state of mind I would have no problem doing it, because I'm all about no drama these days. But in some weird way, God made so I didn't have to and I am grateful for that.